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By Ryan North

What if Romeo and Juliet had never met? What if they’d opened up a brunch place instead of killing themselves? What if Juliet became a pirate, or Romeo took a trip to Denmark? What if they talked like normal teenagers? What if you were given total control of their actions, hopes and dreams, and what does a good sex ed curriculum have to do with it?

This book is wonderful. I love it. I thoroughly recommend it. Actually, go buy it right now.

I don’t think I can give a proper review of this book because it’s more an experience than a book, really. It’s a Choose Your Own Adventure book dialed up to 11, with a good deal of snark, silliness, and Shakespeare references thrown in.

So far, in this book, I have:

As Romeo:

  • Forgotten how to breathe and died at brunch
  • Seduced Juliet in a French maid outfit
  • Faked my own death so well I actually died
  • Been killed by an overzealous librarian (several times over)
  • Been eaten by rabid horses
  • Actually I just died a lot, okay
  • Took a potion to forget about Rosaline, ended up living a normal, non-obsessive life like a normal human being who isn’t a melodramatic mess of hormones THANK YOU RYAN NORTH FOR REALIZING THAT ROMEO IS KIND OF A TOOL

As Juliet:

  • Dumped Romeo a half-dozen times
  • Dated a guy named Yolo Brewski, became a pirate
  • Teamed up with Ophelia to poison the entire human population of the world
  • Used Romeo’s corpse to fight off an army of ninjas
  • Lived happily ever after with Romeo and Tybalt’s ghost
  • Broke down the walls of Verona to fight an army of undead skeletons
  • Discovered I really, really liked Romeo in a sexy guard outfit (These teenagers are really into roleplay, I feel like.)

And these are just the endings I’ve managed to discover, which doesn’t include other random plot points, sidequests, endings I haven’t gotten to yet, unlockable characters, that time I became God, or the many, many times I tried to follow “Shakespeare’s route” and failed because I got distracted by the shiny.

Also my roommate thinks I’m crazy because I’ve been laughing so hard. Now granted I’m a huge nerd and things like Shakespeare parodies are funny to me, but I feel like anyone who had to read Romeo and Juliet in high school and/or likes Choose Your Own Adventure books will really enjoy this.

So yeah. Go. Read this book. Do it. That is all.

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